I am an experienced couples and relationship counsellor having trained with Relate in 2008.
A common misconception is that couple counselling is only for people who have problems in their relationship. Although it's true that many couples only address counselling when their situation has become serious, working on skills with your partner like communication, conflict resolution and intimacy when your relationship is strong is just as important as building on those skills when times are tough.
When we fall in love, we see the other person through rose tinted glasses. We want to spend all our time with them and they can do no wrong in our eyes. With the passing of time, the quirks that we used to find endearing, can become causes for frustration. Individuals envolve and - in order to work - a relationship must evolve too. Sometimes, when I work with couples, one of the two will say to the other "I haven't changed. I am still the same person you fell in love with all those years ago". When two people evolve in different ways or at different times, the relationship becomes unbalanced.
Expectations of the relationship also change over time. What we wanted from a parter earlier on in life is unlikely to be what we need when we are raising children together or as the relationship matures and we have a couple of decades behind us. Therapy can help a couple understand how they have changed and to better express they newfound needs and desires.
“We expect one person to give us what once an entire village used to provide, and we live twice as long.”
― Esther Perel
Conflict
When we think of conflict. we think of war, violence and it's frankly a scary prospect. It's no surprise that many people are conflict avoidant. We carry this fear of conflict into our relationships which means we avoid saying what we really think for fear of starting a fight or jeopardising the relationship.
One of the most common reason couples enter therapy is when they get stuck in a pattern of endless conflict, either avoiding it at all costs or feeling growing frustration and resentment because "nothing ever changes". And it's not a surprise. Most conflictual situations are based on scoring points and "winning". In order for us to win, our partner must "lose".
Healthy conflict helps the couple communicate their needs to each other in a non-threatening way. Therapy helps to learn how to foster a "win-win" dynamic which, in turn, creates a stronger connection.
